damn i wish i could show some kind of emotion. give me something. i just feel so fuckin numb to everything. i need a connection. i need some human interaction. i need somethin to help me feel alive again. give me somethin. whatever this is thats goin on right now needs to come to an abrupt stop before i end it myself. people are just so fucking stupid sometimes i'm just so fuckin dumb and naive. i'm a fuckin idiot tool. just use me. thats the only time i feel anything. the only time i feel human. the only time i'm not numb to my surrounding. why is it that i only want what i cant have and when something wants me then i don't want it. why can't i force myself to want it back. why is that i constantly feel like i have to prove myself. why is it that i feel like fuckin cassie in an episode of skins when i should really be a sid or a jal. why is it that im fuckin doing this. this shit is so fucking confusing. i'm tired of people telling me how impressed and proud and how they can't believe i did what i did and i'm living how i want to live. i'm tired of feeling fuckin isolated even when i'm not alone. what is this gay shit. why can't i just pick a gender an stick with it. are my emotions even real. if i truly feel the way i say i do about this girl, then why am i still chasing after a guy. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckukahjszgvbcukajsZFCVBu kjds,mgzv fuck this shit. where the hell are u jay. i can't deal and i need a fuckin nap and a bisquit.

mistake two

falling in love/like/lust with a girl. i think she's worth it tho.

mistake one

sitting at the airport, stuck because of my stupidity i had a lot of time to think about the mistakes i made. i had a lot of time to wonder why that guy from jersey shore is shorter in person, and why his hair looks more real on tv than in person. i had a lot of time to sit and ponder all the shitty mistakes i made after i hopped on my first plane to cali back in august. and mistake number one would have to be guy thirty-six.

i should have never gotten involved with guy 36, but i did anyway. i never had that father figure growing up, and i guess thats why i clung to him at first. guy 36 was a thirty something year old man i met my first day in los angeles. he has some random job here selling cars, selling drugs, selling used vacuum cleaners. i don't know exactly, but it seems to change everytime i ask. he's married, or he was married, and he has two daughters. i should have never gotten involved with guy 36, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.

he showed me around los angeles. introduced me to a few people. and helped me fine a place to live. the sex wasn;t that great, but he was a good guy. and a good guy is always better than great sex. i fell for him. he was my guy. but i never told him how i felt, and we eventually lost touch. fast forward to 2010 and we're back in each others lives.

the only problem was i didn't need that father figure anymore. los angeles turned me into a man. i had found my way, and i wasn't losing it to find myself in someone else. and guy 36 didn't like this. he made it known to me that he didn't like the guy i was becoming. he missed the guy i was. he missed that subservient boy that he first met. but i couldn't be this guy for him, and when he saw that he was losing me he did the unthinkable and asked me to marry him.

it wasn't romantic. wasn't thought out. it was a spur of the moment decision. we were laying in bed, arguing about him being clingy and thats when he said it. i laughed. i'm all for being domesticated, but guy 36 will not be the lucky person to domesticate me.

i guess the whole point of this is i never understood how you could say you love someone, but not be there for them when they really need you. like lets say i stupidly think my plane is getting into los angeles at eight but it actually gets in at eleven and i need a ride home, because my bus stops running at eleven. and thats why guy 36 is mistake number one.

lesson learned.

creative license

You: You can’t stop this.
Me: Yeah, I get that. It’s just, where else am I gonna go? You’ve been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end where else would I want to be?
You: Is this the master plan? You’re going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Me: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
You: Still making jokes.
Me: I’m not joking. I know you’re in pain. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. And I know you’re about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, and hey … I still want to hang. You’re dragqueen.x.
You: Don’t call me that.
Me: First day of third grade . You pissed your pants because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You’ve come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky dragqueen.x and I love scary veiny dragqueen.x. So if I’m going out, it’s here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I’ve earned that.
You: You think I won’t?
Me: It doesn’t matter. I’ll still love you.
You: Shut up.

fade to black

She cut off all her hair, took out her purple eyes, and then she cut me loose.

Loose my number was all she wrote.

And okay was all I said.

the day i st(arted)opped loving her

beginning.

we knew each other before we knew each other. pictures of her and me hung on my bedroom walls. i would sit on the floor drawing houses and buildings, and stare at this girl on the wall. who was this girl and why didn't i remember her. we had history, but i couldn't remember it. so i asked my mom. "thats k, and thats you. you guys played together when you were younger. you were like two then." she was k. i was j. and we knew each other before we knew each other.

first contact.

i was on the ground before i knew i was falling. i stared at my hands for a few seconds, and watched as the blood bubbled a little. "nothing a band-aid can't fix" i said, i've been hurt worse. when i was seven my brother ran me over with his bike. if i could survive that, then i could survive anything.

i looked up and i saw this strange creature. she pointed and laughed at me, but i couldn't get past the purple eyes and the brown skin. she was different, but. she had a look in her eyes that was familiar. she was like a siren, and i was a dumb fisherman drawn into her. until a sharp pain in my kidney gained my attention.

she kicked me and was now running away. moments passed and i just layed there on the pavement. my teacher walked over and immediately began yelling at me. "why did you trip her. you're too big to be playing rough with her. no recess for a week." i was lying on the ground, i was bleeding, and my teacher looked passed all of this to believe a field of lies this purple-eyed creature fed her. "now apologize to k, and i wont send a letter home to your mom."

her name was k. and we had history.

signs of trouble

k missed a few days of class and i volunteered to deliver her. i'd never been to her house before, but i'd walked by it on numerous occasions. it was an ordinary house. with an ordinary fence. and an ordinary dog. i knocked on the door and she opened it. she had bandages on her arms so i asked what happened.

she walked into the kitchen. poured a glass of water. grabbed a knife. and slit her finger. and let the blood drip into the glass of water. "look at it. really look. watch as the blood stains the water. its beautiful." "are you crazy" i asked. "yeah...are you?"

i was. i had to be. i didn't run from her that day. i started running head first into oncoming traffic. that was the day i started loving her.

moment of reprieve

purple flamingos. virginity lost. love letters. boy meets world. the ultimatum. me or him. she became tapanga. i became corey. long nights. short days. the slap. beginning of the end.

the break up

it was quick. we were partners in pre-algebra, like we were partners in every class we took together. she was the one deemed "gifted" by the educational system. every wednesday, her and the rest of the gifted students in the eighth grade would disappear from class and have their own special class meetings. she was gifted, i was not. but when it came to math, she looked to me.

the teacher wasn't there that day. we had a substitute. she was young. she was dumb. and she was too busy chatting on her phone to realize the mistakes she was making. i sat in my desk. k sat next to me. i worked, while she did what she did nest, put the fear of god into the other students, and it was a beautiful thing to watch.

BOOM

was the only sound the paper made as it hit k in the head. i watched as she grabbed the paper, walked over to the boy, punched him in the face, and dared him to do something about it. she walked back to me, wrote on the paper, handed it to me, and walked out of the room. I'M SORRY J, it read. I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE. I CAN'T. I'M SORRY. ITS OVER.

the room was silent. everyone looked at me. they always did. somewhere in the past three years of knowing her, i became responsible for k. i was expected to keep her in line. i was expected to calm her down. i was expected to apologize for her mistakes. the room was silent. everyone looked at me. they always did. i got up and headed towards towards the nearest exit.

it was over before it ever began.

this is my religion

i was molested as a child. thats a fuckin fact. this did not happen behind closed doors. it happened out in the open. i can remember everything. i can see it with the most vivid details. i know when it happened, where it happened, how long it happened, how he looked, and what we did. but no one else knew about this. thats the thing that bothers me. thats the thing that keeps me up at night. thats the thing that makes me push people away. forget the fact that i was molested. how did no one know. how could i sit on this guys lap, suck his nipples, suck his dick, him touch me, him play with my ass, him kiss me and no one knew it. no one found out. no one stopped it. this didn't happen behind closed doors. this shit happened out in the open. i remember the yellow house. the yellow house with the three bedrooms. but i don't remember his. i can see his sisters. ive played in his sisters but ive never been in his room. this shit happened out in the open. in the living room on the floor. on the sofa. under the table. this shit fuckin happened on a fuckin trampoline every fucxkin day out in the fuckin open in the middle of the afternoon. how did no one see this. how did no one catch us. why was this never stopped. i dont get it. it doesnt make sense to me. its the one thing that doesnt make sense to me and it bothers the fuck out of me.

it ends as it always does. a scream. a punch. and a drop of blood. it never fails. and the cycle continues. but its over before it ever begins. same song. same story. same narrative voice. this is your life for the rest of the end. you accept it. you condemn it. it becomes your religion.

life lesson

one. if a person from your past says they miss you, evade that shit and start a new topic like a CHAMP.

two. just because you're breathing, doesn't mean you're alive

three. always come prepared, or fear the wrath of lightbody

four. move to cali

five. never, ever shave your beard completely off.

six. never let them see you sweat. never let them see you cry. never let them break you.

괴물

thought i wanted to do this. i don't know how anymore. school is out. semester two was more successful than the first. came back to georgia. seems i'll be attending a funeral in a few days. friend got shot. i probably wont go. death scares me. i went driving today. really peaceful. reminded me of the two month period i wanted to become a professional truck driver like my grandfather. seems like a great option. i'm always alm when im driving. i work out a lot of shit when im moving. its like therapy to me. maybe thats why i love riding the bus. that and the fact 97 percent of my sketching occurs on metro bus 33/333.

8 months later

applied to college. got accepted. broke the news to family. they cried. the dad took the car. the mom cried some more. i packed up my shit. bought a plane ticket. and flew to LAX. no house. no car. just a suitcase full of dreams. found a hotel. stayed there a few nights. met a guy. went to orientation. found a place to stay. and went to school.

i don't feel like finishing this, i'll do it later. and better. but yeah. eight months later. thank you LA for being so good to me.

so yeah

i'm not the dad. sucks tho.

you are the father, maybe

so basically life has been pretty smooth for me. me and the guy are talking again. school is winding down. and the friends are great. the only bubble is the fact that i may or may not have a kid. so basically the story is this. i've been messing around with this one girl named K, for about five or six years. she's my best friend and the first love of my life. i haven't spoken to her the last two or three weeks. everytime i called her she was always busy or was in and out of the hospital. yesterday she called and told me she had just had a baby. in my head it was a joke. so i kept asking her if she was being serious or p[laying a joke on the gullible black kid i am. she said she was serious, and sent me a picture.

the next question i asked was if she knew about the baby 9 months ago, or if this was one of those "OMG I DINDT KNOW I WAS PREGNANT UNTIL THE BABY POPPED OUT" kinds of situations they show on tv. apparently she always knew she was pregnant, but didn't tell me for several reasons. i think i was less shocked about the baby and more shocked about the fact that she could keep a secret like this from me of all people for nine months.

she says the kid is not mine, but he has my middle name. she doesn't want to get a blood test because she's a 100 percent certain that the kid isn't mine. but in my head there's no way she could be a hundred percent sure of anything because 9 months ago i was still at home and we were still fucking around. so i booked a flight home in 3 weeks after my school year is over to find out if i have a son, or if i don't. if the kid is mine then this california dram life is over and i'm going back home to be the greatest dad in the world.

day 36

the guy texted me today after almost two weeks of no communication. this pretty much ruined my life for about ten minutes. he apologized and all the emotions and feelings i thought i had got rid of came rushing back. don't expect anything to come of this. but if he wants to make an effort at some kind of reconciliation, then i have to give it another try? its my first step towards a stable and happy relationship, something i've never been a fan of.

day 34

guess i should tell you guys me and the guy are no more. nothing really happened, but whatever we were doing. we're not doing anymore. also i'm pretty sure my best freiend doesnt like me anymore which is okay. sometimes you need to hear something you don't wanna hear. also i'm not sure why i'm attracted to mexican virgins, but i am. and have been occupying the last two days with one. i also met this columbian kid. he's cool too. but yeah. not sure if i'll continue with this blog, but i'm not deleting it. in my head im just gonna start anew again, but not tell anyone the link. and if its meant to be, you'll find me again. but yeah.

life is good.

day 21

another blog. another unedited post. life is too complicated to be edited down.

i have this pain in my stomach. not really a pain, but an emotion. in my gut, that comes and goes depending on my mood. the last few nights i always end up thinking about the same thing. mostly the guy. he made a comment the other night about me being quiet. and its true. we were laying in his bed holding each other and i told him. i know i'm quiet. its just, who i am. i hold things in. i don't say a lot. but its not because i'm uncomfortable, because i am. its just, i don't let people in. and then he asked me what it is i'm going to do about it. and i didn't say a thing. i let the silence speak for me.

it was in that moment where i felt he he wanted me to leave. that whatever it is we're doing or not doing it was officially over. because of all the baggage i bring with me. but i was wrong. he proves me wrong each and everytime. he waited a while, then he pulled me closer and we kissed. and i got my second sleepover.

that emotion in my gut is my insecurity. most people have voices in there head, but not me. mine is too crowded with rogue screaming. images being burned into my corneas. and thoughts and ideas of what i should draw, write, or capture. when i'm mad my lips quiver. when i'm feeling sick or weak my wrists hurt and i pop them continuously. when i'm being paranoid i get a ringing in my ear, and when i'm insecure about anything i get a pain in my chest and my breathing quickens, until it subsides into that emotion in my gut. and thats where i'm at now.

for the past few nights i've been having the same conversation over and over in my head. the conversation i plan on having with the guy the next time we meet. i just wanna open up to him. let him in. tell him the secrets. show him why i am the way i am. let him get to know the real me. the me most people don't know. i like him. he makes me feel. he makes me insecure. and somewhere in me he makes sense. most guys don't make me feel this way. i've never been this insecure about a guy before, an maybe this is why i like him.

but there's still that rogue thought caressing the back of my fifth vertebra. the thought that i should just find the guy who's safe for me. it wouldn't be hard. i already know him. i'm sure we would work.it only makes sense. he's the safe choice. i wouldn't have anything to worry about. if i could just convince him then my life would be made. but that would be too easy. it would be safe. and no matter how much i hate feeling insecure. it reminds me that i'm human.

that i'm still alive.

i take pictures too

not only can i draw. but i take pictures too. who wouldn't want to wife me up. lets be honest here. i'm pretty epic, and you all should bow to my greatness. but seriously, one of the reasons why yesterday was a really good day is because i picked up a camera. a real camera. not one of those kodak quick pic cameras that fits into your pocket, but a real one. one of those big, bulky dslrs and started taking pictures. and it was fun. and confusing as hell. cause now not only do i not know what i want to major in, but now i have to add a new one to the list. but yeah, here are some pics i took yesterday. i'm trying to edit them at the moment, so these are just the puictures without any kind of adjustments i see fit.i really enjoy taking pictures of signs tho.

 

shit equals out

the universe is a cruel mistress. she gives you these epiphanies. epiphanies at nine in the morning as youre riding your 333 bus to santa monica and staring at the holywood sign. she gives you more epiphanies as you're picking up a camera and realizing maybe everything you thought you wanted, wasn't what you wanted. and it definately wasn't what you needed. and bombards you with more epiphanies that the people around you are the people you've been looking for your whole life. she makes you realize that today is your day. its the greatest day you've had in a while. and then she says FUCK YOU, and throws a tree in your path. and gives you a black eye.

its the universe. and shit equals out.

life just got a lot more complicated

two weeks ago i met the guy. we got high. i made a fool of myself. i thought things were over. six months ago i met jeff. we hooked up. he helped me find a place to live. and we've been cool since.

i like the guy. i can see myself being in a relationship with the guy. i don't particularly know where we stand, but i'm working on it. i haven't seen jeff in three weeks. i wrote off whatever we had as just sex. were there feelings? at one point there were. but things happen. and i kept moving. today. just an hour ago. jeff propsed to me.

out of no where. i ask one simple question. "have you ever had a boyfriend before" and he runs off subject and asks me tons of questions. "do you wanna be my boyfriend?" no, i say. "do you wanna go steady?" i dont know, i say. "so you're my boyfriend now. and we're about to make love." is that what i am now? and we're not having sew, i say. "you're absolutely correct. we're about to make love, we're not having sex." are we, i ask. "yeah, you're gonna be my domestic partner." is that what i am now, i ask. "yeah, i'll take you to zales and get you a ring if you want" i don't think we can get married in cali, i say. "well lets go back to georgia" we REALLY can't get married there, i say. "don't worry about it, we'll figure it out."

life just got a lot more complicated.

how do you deal with a random, out of the blue, proposal of marriage. we've never been on a date. we've never said the L word. i just learned his whole name today. at one point, i did have feelings for jeff. if we would've had this conversation a month ago, i would be cool with everything. maybe not the marriage thing, because i don't even believe in marriage. but being boyfriends, going steady i would have. but we didn't, we never have. i assumed he was in this just for the random sex whoich never really happens. but this i never saw coming. this i don't want to deal with.

fight or flight. FIGHT or FLIGHT.

so i did the one thing i felt was right. i told him about the guy.i regret telling him about the guy, but i did. and he got upset. he got jealous. he told me he could forgive me for stepping out on our relationship this one time, but it should never happen again. he asks me why i like the guy. and i give him basic reasons. we kiss. something me and jeff have only done once. tonight at that. he's versatile. something jeff is not. he's a total top. never even tried to bottom. i've known the guy for two weeks and i know his whole name. i just learned yours tonight. none of this helped. he only got more upset and told me how much he cared about me, and i should choose him over the guy because he's known me longer.

and now i'm suppose to call the guy up and break off whatever it is we have going on, while jeff is on the phone. which is something i can't do. something i'm not going to do, because i like the guy. more than i like jeff. i don't want to hurt jeff, but i feel like i might have to. jeff is a catch. he is, but the last two times i've seen him two red flags occurred. three weeks ago he told me to give him a key to my place and the gate. that was red flag number one. why does he need a key to my place, he pays no bills. we're in no relationship. red flag came tonight when he told me to call up the guy, then and there and break it off with him. its 12 o'clock. i'm not calling anyone let alone the guy. controlling much? very much so.

i've grown a lot since moving to cali. i've learned a lot about myself. three months ago i would have done everything jeff asked, or said. i was looking for that kind of relationship. i was looking for an older guy to for better or worse submit to. someone to tell me what to do. show me things. teach me. because i have daddy issues and i was molested as a kid. and my father was never there. and my entire life i've been looking for someone to replace him. but i'm not that same kid anymore. and my moms taught me a lot. and i learned a lot from watching the relationships she's been in. and i know now, jeff days in my life are numbered. i hope we can still be friends, but that may not be possible.

two months ago i wouldn't be able to work this all out in my head by myself. but i can now. i know what needs to be done. it won't be fun, but i can do it. maybe the title is wrong. maybe i just simplified my life.

mindfucked

i have no clue where i'm at mentally right now. i know where i need to be, but from time to time i catch myself slipping. school is, well its school. i could care less about the classes. i'm more confused than ever what i actually want to major in, and the people are a mixed bunch.

i love the people i've met and i actually feel like they care for me and my well being. i trust them, which is hard for me to do, but i don't think i would ever tell them i'm gay. theres only four people that i would really put everything on the line for, and i feel they would lose a leg for me too. i'm sure one day i'll have the conversation with them, but at this point i don't know when or how.

i also feel i've been angry a lot lately. i feel bad for anyone who runs into me on the bus, because i kno i can be intimidating at times. its the face. when im in a bad mood it shows. and then i curse a lot. and i can't help it. i'm in a mood and for better or worse thats just where i am at that moment. if you don't like it, then deal with it.

i really miss having someone i can talk to. having someone i can just call up when im having a bad day and just vent. someone i can talk to about all the insecurities and issues i'm dealing with regarding guys and relationships. because if theres one thing i fail at in life its being in any kind of commited relationship. which is why i'm so mentally disturbed at times. its just confusing. i have no clue what we're doing. we're both busy as fuck, that its hard to make time to see each other. and i feel like i'm giving 110 percent and he's not trying. but then we talk and i can hear how tired he is, and how frustrated he is and i can understand why he hasn't called or sent that text or why he just wants to be alone.

and it helps. but every now and again there's a disconnect. and i get insecure. and i hate that. i'm not an insecure guy. i'm past that phase. i left that shit in georgia. i'm the cockiest nigger you'll ever meet. at least in my head i am. so when some guy has me feeling insecure it scares me. i don't like it. somebody told me that being insecure, feeling scared, all these negative emotions means i'm finally LIVING. but i disagree.

i know what LIVING feels like. i've had those moments. and LIVING doesn't have negative shit in it. LIVING is in the moment. everything is how you want it. yes bad shit happens, but it doesn't get you down because its not important. you have bigger things to focus on. thats what i'm chasing right now. i'm chasing that feeling. i'm chasing that moment.

and i'm just running.

day 10

wednesday, march 3, 2010

maybe this is why i don't get into relationships. maybe i consciously avoid them to avoid that emotional attachment. to avoid that sense of silence. to avoid the moment where you both realize you have nothing more to talk about.

maybe this is why i was always the guy to fuck. and then go. i would fuck. bust a nut. and leave. i do my part. you do yours. and we both leave. satisfied. and a little empty. but in that moment we're both satisfied. and a little high. and neither one of us will worry about the other. how he's feeling. if he enjoyed it as much as i did. if he likes me. because it was only sex. not a relationship. just a momentary fix.

so what is it about this guy that has me so invested. so enthralled. that just being in his presence makes my day that much better. why is this guy different from the rest. and do i still want to take the time to find out if maybe. just maybe. this guy. and me. could be something special.

day 4

thursday, february 25, 2010

i stare at him for a moment, just long enough to see him blink. then i reach out to touch him just to make sure he's real. my mind has been playing tricks on me lately. and with my luck, he's bound to disappear the moment i grab his hand, but he doesn't. he grabs back, his eyes meet mine, and he says:

"whats wrong"'

and without thinking, without taking a moment to evaluate the correct response. without pausing i say the dumbest thing i can think of. i say the three words i've been afraid to say in a long time.

i.

like.

you.

"is that such a bad thing?" he responds. "bad thing no, but you're bad news for me," i say before grabbing his hands. "you're the kinda guy to make a nigga come out the closet." "you're silly" he says and smiles with a smile that could melt the coldest ice cream, and the hardest snickers bar. but its a smile nonetheless and within in that smile is everything i needed to make my night complete. but i welcome the bonus prize, when his lips move towards mine and sattles them with what feels like a nuclear attack that lasts until he finally pulls away and flashes that winning smile again.

"its funny" i say, "i'm the one in the closet, but youre the one who wouldn't kiss me on the fire-escape."

earlier in the night we made our way out to the fire escape on the south side of the building. after a long night of "domesticating j" with lessons on dishes, sweeping floors, and organizing closets we accumulated what appeared to be trash. so we did what any los angeleno would do. found the nearest fire-escape and prayed the trash would make it into the dumpster four stories below.

i've been afraid of heights since the age of five, yet flying fills me with a sense of serenity i can never explain. just another complication of being j. so when i reach the end of the hallway and see the outside world staring at me i freeze. he grabs my hands, leads me onto the fire escape, and whispers "you're out here now. calm down. you're safe" i take in the view and i'm filled with the urge to grab him by the head and kiss him then and there. but he pulls back. "i don't mind if the neighbors hear us, but i don't want them watching us doing our thing" he tells me, and leads me back to his apartment.

"mhmm, whatever. next time i reach over to kiss you, while i'm conquering my fears, don't pull away from me. its rude" i say.

"whatever you say j"

i like this guy.

first impressions

i use to be serious about this blogging thing, now its the last thing on my mind. just a few weeks ago everything was going great. all was well in my life, now its like one bad thing after the other. i met a guy a few weeks ago. his name was rob. he had a lot going for him. we connected instantly. the feeling was indescribable. fast forward to last saturday and he tells me he's moving to thailand to teach english. i'm happy for him, but i can't help but wonder what we would have been.

school is total confusion for me right now. everything was in order for a while and now i wonder why i even bother. i really just need a week off to do nothing. just to figure things out. sketch out all the madness in my head. paint the colors i dream. i just need a week to remember why i'm pursuing this. not another week of painting color wheels. creating abstract compositions in illustrator. or kerning letters by hands. i just need a week to do what i want to do, not what i have to do.

but i guess theres a bright light at the end of the tunnel. i met another guy last night. i walked to his place just to kick it. wasn't expecting anything to come of it. we talked for a bit. then we started smoking. i quit smoking sometime after i moved to cali and last night reminded me why. i get high and i can't control my urges. i get agitated and can't stay still. i get paranoid and don't want anyone to touch me. and then i get verbal vomit and say whatever i'm thinking even though i know i shouldn't.

and this is what happened to me last night. i ended up telling the guy i was feeling him, and then the next moment i'm removing his arm from around my neck, and then i'm trying my best to make-out with him without losing my gum while my mouth is dry. i was way too fucked up and in my mind i blew my first impression, so i repeatedly apologised because as i told him. i like him.

he's the first guy i've met, thats my age, and has his shit together. i mean really has everything together. he has his own place. his own car. and he has a real job. he manages properties and he has ambition to do bigger things. and the fact that i got soo fucked up last night and he didn't kick me out, but he actually took care of me just made me like him more. but in my mind, me and him would never see each other again. but even after all of that he texted me that he had a really good time with me and wants to do it again. so maybe, just maybe i've found a guy that can deal with my bullshit, but see that when it all falls down, i just keep going.

that unnecessary trepidation

life has been a little crazy the last few days. done a lot of things ive never done before. was a little stressed last night so i called up a friend and a got a massage. naked j, with straight friend wasn't as awkward as you'd think. i also did something i've always wanted to do, but have always been afraid of. i had my cards read. my friend who is a part time massage therapist also does tarot card readings. he said i had good energy, so i figured why not give this a shot.

the card reading was really interesting. i never really believed in this stuff, but it was surprisingly pretty accurate, but when he was flipping card over i was nervous because most of them seemed negative, especially the devil card. i was pretty sure he was gonna tell me i would die in 3 months, because i've always felt i would die at a young age for whatever reasons. but the devil card meant something completely different. it actually made me feel a lot better about everything thats goin on right now.

i also went to a party a few people from school were throwin and got shitfaced for the first time in some months. me and alcohol aren't the best of friends. so when i end up getting in some random argument and punching hawaiian jack in the face i remembered why i don't drink. i felt bad about the whole thing, but it felt strangely therapeutic. which didn't last too long because i ended up drunk texting x about the whole situation, but ended up sending half of my contacts the text instead, which lead to a phone call from the moms wondering why i'm punching random kids when she sent me out here for school. and of course i ansewered the phone, because i was drunk and stupid, so that didn't make the situation any better.

but yeah. unnecessary trepidation. and i plan on editing this because it sucks ass.  ut that was my saturday night.

im twenty

its time for new beginnings. its time to get serious. get shit done. i want it all. i'm gonna get at least 90 percent of it. anything less is failure.

even angels

j is an artist

"i just wanted to tell you i'm so proud of you," she said to me as she pulled me aside from the rest of our classmates. "i was sitting at home and i thought to myself, i'm so proud of you. you did something a lot of people wouldn't. you left your hometown and you followed your dream. not a lot of people would have done that, how many of your friends did that?" 

"none," i said, "none at all."

"and thats why i'm proud of you."

j is sleazy

"so how are you and danny doing?" he asked. "are you guys an item now?"

"no," i replied. "we're just having sex. he kinda reminds me of my ex though...but yeah, we're just friends."

"no substance j. just icing on the cake."

"you're right. no substance, just icing. you can't have your cake and eat it too, so i might as well just eat the icing. i'm content with that right now. too busy to worry about anything deeper. i'm not looking for love, just a friend. someone to walk beside me. you can understand that?"

"No, i don't understand that at all. I walk with people. I don't walk and fuck people. Its sleazy, but then again it is a part of your character.

j is drama

"so you won fifty bucks on the superbowl, can i have it?" i asked him hoping he'd say yes, but knowing the outcome wouldn't favor me. "my birthday is in a week. you owe me a present."

"i owe you shit," he slammed back. "DRAMA RAMA."

j is j

i looked at myself in the mirror and i didn't recognize the face that was staring back at me. maybe its the glasses that no longer appear in my face. or maybe its the weight i lost. the one thing that i'm certain of, is the face in the mirror isn't the same face that was there the last time i took the time to stare.it had changed, and for a moment...i was lost.

i have my insecurities. i have my flaws. i have my strengths. i say "yeah" a lot. i doubt myself too much. i expect too much form the world, but the one thing i'm certain of is who i am. i'm motherfuckin j and i know what i want from life. i know where i want to be, what i want to do, and the things i want to accomplish. and i'm gonna do all of them.

i'm on the verge of adulthood and i've never been out of the country. i want to travel. discover new things. i want to draw. i want to write. i want to breathe every moment in. ever moment of being an artist. every sleazy moment and every drama filled second. i want it all. and i promised myself that i'm going to do it all. and i will.

say, all i need

i doubt myself. i doubt myself entirely too much, and i have all the potential in the world, but it will never come into fruition if i continually doubt myself. "positive thoughts," the korean girl, with the short brown hair screams at me. positive thoughts, but its hard to think these thoughts with all the things currently rampaging through my head. the scent of burning flesh. hazy images of trampolines. and dark rooms with luminous lights flowing from beneath the door. positive thoughts are on the backburner-making it through the day is my only focus.

my biggest problem is my belief that i'm a product of my environment. that no matter how far away i run i'll always be that little boy afraid of the dark. that i'll always be afraid of heights. and i'll never be able to consume chocolate like the normal kids.

"you're in LA, nobody cares if you're black," she says.

but thats just it. my body is here, but my mind is still back home. i'm so use to the only thing people caring about is the fact that my skin is the opposite color of theirs, i can't comprehend what happens when that's not a factor anymore. everywhere i look is a constant reminder of all the things i ran from.

"is everything okay?" she asks, after i skip class for the third time in a week. and i answer her with a lie. and she accepts it, without question. she's a real friend and she deserves better, but its all i can give her, because the truth would mean i have to lend her some TRUST, and i'm all out of trust. so many things are running through my head that i don't even trust my own thoughts. flashes of my past continuously disrupt my day. memories i thought were lost forever are emerging. and everything is not okay.

"is everything okay JP?"

"yea, everythings fine," i say and then flash a smile, but a part of her doesn't believe it.

"you sure?"

"i'm fuckin J. trust me. i'm good."