say, all i need

i doubt myself. i doubt myself entirely too much, and i have all the potential in the world, but it will never come into fruition if i continually doubt myself. "positive thoughts," the korean girl, with the short brown hair screams at me. positive thoughts, but its hard to think these thoughts with all the things currently rampaging through my head. the scent of burning flesh. hazy images of trampolines. and dark rooms with luminous lights flowing from beneath the door. positive thoughts are on the backburner-making it through the day is my only focus.

my biggest problem is my belief that i'm a product of my environment. that no matter how far away i run i'll always be that little boy afraid of the dark. that i'll always be afraid of heights. and i'll never be able to consume chocolate like the normal kids.

"you're in LA, nobody cares if you're black," she says.

but thats just it. my body is here, but my mind is still back home. i'm so use to the only thing people caring about is the fact that my skin is the opposite color of theirs, i can't comprehend what happens when that's not a factor anymore. everywhere i look is a constant reminder of all the things i ran from.

"is everything okay?" she asks, after i skip class for the third time in a week. and i answer her with a lie. and she accepts it, without question. she's a real friend and she deserves better, but its all i can give her, because the truth would mean i have to lend her some TRUST, and i'm all out of trust. so many things are running through my head that i don't even trust my own thoughts. flashes of my past continuously disrupt my day. memories i thought were lost forever are emerging. and everything is not okay.

"is everything okay JP?"

"yea, everythings fine," i say and then flash a smile, but a part of her doesn't believe it.

"you sure?"

"i'm fuckin J. trust me. i'm good."