even angels

j is an artist

"i just wanted to tell you i'm so proud of you," she said to me as she pulled me aside from the rest of our classmates. "i was sitting at home and i thought to myself, i'm so proud of you. you did something a lot of people wouldn't. you left your hometown and you followed your dream. not a lot of people would have done that, how many of your friends did that?" 

"none," i said, "none at all."

"and thats why i'm proud of you."

j is sleazy

"so how are you and danny doing?" he asked. "are you guys an item now?"

"no," i replied. "we're just having sex. he kinda reminds me of my ex though...but yeah, we're just friends."

"no substance j. just icing on the cake."

"you're right. no substance, just icing. you can't have your cake and eat it too, so i might as well just eat the icing. i'm content with that right now. too busy to worry about anything deeper. i'm not looking for love, just a friend. someone to walk beside me. you can understand that?"

"No, i don't understand that at all. I walk with people. I don't walk and fuck people. Its sleazy, but then again it is a part of your character.

j is drama

"so you won fifty bucks on the superbowl, can i have it?" i asked him hoping he'd say yes, but knowing the outcome wouldn't favor me. "my birthday is in a week. you owe me a present."

"i owe you shit," he slammed back. "DRAMA RAMA."

j is j

i looked at myself in the mirror and i didn't recognize the face that was staring back at me. maybe its the glasses that no longer appear in my face. or maybe its the weight i lost. the one thing that i'm certain of, is the face in the mirror isn't the same face that was there the last time i took the time to stare.it had changed, and for a moment...i was lost.

i have my insecurities. i have my flaws. i have my strengths. i say "yeah" a lot. i doubt myself too much. i expect too much form the world, but the one thing i'm certain of is who i am. i'm motherfuckin j and i know what i want from life. i know where i want to be, what i want to do, and the things i want to accomplish. and i'm gonna do all of them.

i'm on the verge of adulthood and i've never been out of the country. i want to travel. discover new things. i want to draw. i want to write. i want to breathe every moment in. ever moment of being an artist. every sleazy moment and every drama filled second. i want it all. and i promised myself that i'm going to do it all. and i will.