even angels

j is an artist

"i just wanted to tell you i'm so proud of you," she said to me as she pulled me aside from the rest of our classmates. "i was sitting at home and i thought to myself, i'm so proud of you. you did something a lot of people wouldn't. you left your hometown and you followed your dream. not a lot of people would have done that, how many of your friends did that?" 

"none," i said, "none at all."

"and thats why i'm proud of you."

j is sleazy

"so how are you and danny doing?" he asked. "are you guys an item now?"

"no," i replied. "we're just having sex. he kinda reminds me of my ex though...but yeah, we're just friends."

"no substance j. just icing on the cake."

"you're right. no substance, just icing. you can't have your cake and eat it too, so i might as well just eat the icing. i'm content with that right now. too busy to worry about anything deeper. i'm not looking for love, just a friend. someone to walk beside me. you can understand that?"

"No, i don't understand that at all. I walk with people. I don't walk and fuck people. Its sleazy, but then again it is a part of your character.

j is drama

"so you won fifty bucks on the superbowl, can i have it?" i asked him hoping he'd say yes, but knowing the outcome wouldn't favor me. "my birthday is in a week. you owe me a present."

"i owe you shit," he slammed back. "DRAMA RAMA."

j is j

i looked at myself in the mirror and i didn't recognize the face that was staring back at me. maybe its the glasses that no longer appear in my face. or maybe its the weight i lost. the one thing that i'm certain of, is the face in the mirror isn't the same face that was there the last time i took the time to stare.it had changed, and for a moment...i was lost.

i have my insecurities. i have my flaws. i have my strengths. i say "yeah" a lot. i doubt myself too much. i expect too much form the world, but the one thing i'm certain of is who i am. i'm motherfuckin j and i know what i want from life. i know where i want to be, what i want to do, and the things i want to accomplish. and i'm gonna do all of them.

i'm on the verge of adulthood and i've never been out of the country. i want to travel. discover new things. i want to draw. i want to write. i want to breathe every moment in. ever moment of being an artist. every sleazy moment and every drama filled second. i want it all. and i promised myself that i'm going to do it all. and i will.

say, all i need

i doubt myself. i doubt myself entirely too much, and i have all the potential in the world, but it will never come into fruition if i continually doubt myself. "positive thoughts," the korean girl, with the short brown hair screams at me. positive thoughts, but its hard to think these thoughts with all the things currently rampaging through my head. the scent of burning flesh. hazy images of trampolines. and dark rooms with luminous lights flowing from beneath the door. positive thoughts are on the backburner-making it through the day is my only focus.

my biggest problem is my belief that i'm a product of my environment. that no matter how far away i run i'll always be that little boy afraid of the dark. that i'll always be afraid of heights. and i'll never be able to consume chocolate like the normal kids.

"you're in LA, nobody cares if you're black," she says.

but thats just it. my body is here, but my mind is still back home. i'm so use to the only thing people caring about is the fact that my skin is the opposite color of theirs, i can't comprehend what happens when that's not a factor anymore. everywhere i look is a constant reminder of all the things i ran from.

"is everything okay?" she asks, after i skip class for the third time in a week. and i answer her with a lie. and she accepts it, without question. she's a real friend and she deserves better, but its all i can give her, because the truth would mean i have to lend her some TRUST, and i'm all out of trust. so many things are running through my head that i don't even trust my own thoughts. flashes of my past continuously disrupt my day. memories i thought were lost forever are emerging. and everything is not okay.

"is everything okay JP?"

"yea, everythings fine," i say and then flash a smile, but a part of her doesn't believe it.

"you sure?"

"i'm fuckin J. trust me. i'm good."