first impressions

i use to be serious about this blogging thing, now its the last thing on my mind. just a few weeks ago everything was going great. all was well in my life, now its like one bad thing after the other. i met a guy a few weeks ago. his name was rob. he had a lot going for him. we connected instantly. the feeling was indescribable. fast forward to last saturday and he tells me he's moving to thailand to teach english. i'm happy for him, but i can't help but wonder what we would have been.

school is total confusion for me right now. everything was in order for a while and now i wonder why i even bother. i really just need a week off to do nothing. just to figure things out. sketch out all the madness in my head. paint the colors i dream. i just need a week to remember why i'm pursuing this. not another week of painting color wheels. creating abstract compositions in illustrator. or kerning letters by hands. i just need a week to do what i want to do, not what i have to do.

but i guess theres a bright light at the end of the tunnel. i met another guy last night. i walked to his place just to kick it. wasn't expecting anything to come of it. we talked for a bit. then we started smoking. i quit smoking sometime after i moved to cali and last night reminded me why. i get high and i can't control my urges. i get agitated and can't stay still. i get paranoid and don't want anyone to touch me. and then i get verbal vomit and say whatever i'm thinking even though i know i shouldn't.

and this is what happened to me last night. i ended up telling the guy i was feeling him, and then the next moment i'm removing his arm from around my neck, and then i'm trying my best to make-out with him without losing my gum while my mouth is dry. i was way too fucked up and in my mind i blew my first impression, so i repeatedly apologised because as i told him. i like him.

he's the first guy i've met, thats my age, and has his shit together. i mean really has everything together. he has his own place. his own car. and he has a real job. he manages properties and he has ambition to do bigger things. and the fact that i got soo fucked up last night and he didn't kick me out, but he actually took care of me just made me like him more. but in my mind, me and him would never see each other again. but even after all of that he texted me that he had a really good time with me and wants to do it again. so maybe, just maybe i've found a guy that can deal with my bullshit, but see that when it all falls down, i just keep going.