day 4

thursday, february 25, 2010

i stare at him for a moment, just long enough to see him blink. then i reach out to touch him just to make sure he's real. my mind has been playing tricks on me lately. and with my luck, he's bound to disappear the moment i grab his hand, but he doesn't. he grabs back, his eyes meet mine, and he says:

"whats wrong"'

and without thinking, without taking a moment to evaluate the correct response. without pausing i say the dumbest thing i can think of. i say the three words i've been afraid to say in a long time.

i.

like.

you.

"is that such a bad thing?" he responds. "bad thing no, but you're bad news for me," i say before grabbing his hands. "you're the kinda guy to make a nigga come out the closet." "you're silly" he says and smiles with a smile that could melt the coldest ice cream, and the hardest snickers bar. but its a smile nonetheless and within in that smile is everything i needed to make my night complete. but i welcome the bonus prize, when his lips move towards mine and sattles them with what feels like a nuclear attack that lasts until he finally pulls away and flashes that winning smile again.

"its funny" i say, "i'm the one in the closet, but youre the one who wouldn't kiss me on the fire-escape."

earlier in the night we made our way out to the fire escape on the south side of the building. after a long night of "domesticating j" with lessons on dishes, sweeping floors, and organizing closets we accumulated what appeared to be trash. so we did what any los angeleno would do. found the nearest fire-escape and prayed the trash would make it into the dumpster four stories below.

i've been afraid of heights since the age of five, yet flying fills me with a sense of serenity i can never explain. just another complication of being j. so when i reach the end of the hallway and see the outside world staring at me i freeze. he grabs my hands, leads me onto the fire escape, and whispers "you're out here now. calm down. you're safe" i take in the view and i'm filled with the urge to grab him by the head and kiss him then and there. but he pulls back. "i don't mind if the neighbors hear us, but i don't want them watching us doing our thing" he tells me, and leads me back to his apartment.

"mhmm, whatever. next time i reach over to kiss you, while i'm conquering my fears, don't pull away from me. its rude" i say.

"whatever you say j"

i like this guy.