life just got a lot more complicated

two weeks ago i met the guy. we got high. i made a fool of myself. i thought things were over. six months ago i met jeff. we hooked up. he helped me find a place to live. and we've been cool since.

i like the guy. i can see myself being in a relationship with the guy. i don't particularly know where we stand, but i'm working on it. i haven't seen jeff in three weeks. i wrote off whatever we had as just sex. were there feelings? at one point there were. but things happen. and i kept moving. today. just an hour ago. jeff propsed to me.

out of no where. i ask one simple question. "have you ever had a boyfriend before" and he runs off subject and asks me tons of questions. "do you wanna be my boyfriend?" no, i say. "do you wanna go steady?" i dont know, i say. "so you're my boyfriend now. and we're about to make love." is that what i am now? and we're not having sew, i say. "you're absolutely correct. we're about to make love, we're not having sex." are we, i ask. "yeah, you're gonna be my domestic partner." is that what i am now, i ask. "yeah, i'll take you to zales and get you a ring if you want" i don't think we can get married in cali, i say. "well lets go back to georgia" we REALLY can't get married there, i say. "don't worry about it, we'll figure it out."

life just got a lot more complicated.

how do you deal with a random, out of the blue, proposal of marriage. we've never been on a date. we've never said the L word. i just learned his whole name today. at one point, i did have feelings for jeff. if we would've had this conversation a month ago, i would be cool with everything. maybe not the marriage thing, because i don't even believe in marriage. but being boyfriends, going steady i would have. but we didn't, we never have. i assumed he was in this just for the random sex whoich never really happens. but this i never saw coming. this i don't want to deal with.

fight or flight. FIGHT or FLIGHT.

so i did the one thing i felt was right. i told him about the guy.i regret telling him about the guy, but i did. and he got upset. he got jealous. he told me he could forgive me for stepping out on our relationship this one time, but it should never happen again. he asks me why i like the guy. and i give him basic reasons. we kiss. something me and jeff have only done once. tonight at that. he's versatile. something jeff is not. he's a total top. never even tried to bottom. i've known the guy for two weeks and i know his whole name. i just learned yours tonight. none of this helped. he only got more upset and told me how much he cared about me, and i should choose him over the guy because he's known me longer.

and now i'm suppose to call the guy up and break off whatever it is we have going on, while jeff is on the phone. which is something i can't do. something i'm not going to do, because i like the guy. more than i like jeff. i don't want to hurt jeff, but i feel like i might have to. jeff is a catch. he is, but the last two times i've seen him two red flags occurred. three weeks ago he told me to give him a key to my place and the gate. that was red flag number one. why does he need a key to my place, he pays no bills. we're in no relationship. red flag came tonight when he told me to call up the guy, then and there and break it off with him. its 12 o'clock. i'm not calling anyone let alone the guy. controlling much? very much so.

i've grown a lot since moving to cali. i've learned a lot about myself. three months ago i would have done everything jeff asked, or said. i was looking for that kind of relationship. i was looking for an older guy to for better or worse submit to. someone to tell me what to do. show me things. teach me. because i have daddy issues and i was molested as a kid. and my father was never there. and my entire life i've been looking for someone to replace him. but i'm not that same kid anymore. and my moms taught me a lot. and i learned a lot from watching the relationships she's been in. and i know now, jeff days in my life are numbered. i hope we can still be friends, but that may not be possible.

two months ago i wouldn't be able to work this all out in my head by myself. but i can now. i know what needs to be done. it won't be fun, but i can do it. maybe the title is wrong. maybe i just simplified my life.