day 21

another blog. another unedited post. life is too complicated to be edited down.

i have this pain in my stomach. not really a pain, but an emotion. in my gut, that comes and goes depending on my mood. the last few nights i always end up thinking about the same thing. mostly the guy. he made a comment the other night about me being quiet. and its true. we were laying in his bed holding each other and i told him. i know i'm quiet. its just, who i am. i hold things in. i don't say a lot. but its not because i'm uncomfortable, because i am. its just, i don't let people in. and then he asked me what it is i'm going to do about it. and i didn't say a thing. i let the silence speak for me.

it was in that moment where i felt he he wanted me to leave. that whatever it is we're doing or not doing it was officially over. because of all the baggage i bring with me. but i was wrong. he proves me wrong each and everytime. he waited a while, then he pulled me closer and we kissed. and i got my second sleepover.

that emotion in my gut is my insecurity. most people have voices in there head, but not me. mine is too crowded with rogue screaming. images being burned into my corneas. and thoughts and ideas of what i should draw, write, or capture. when i'm mad my lips quiver. when i'm feeling sick or weak my wrists hurt and i pop them continuously. when i'm being paranoid i get a ringing in my ear, and when i'm insecure about anything i get a pain in my chest and my breathing quickens, until it subsides into that emotion in my gut. and thats where i'm at now.

for the past few nights i've been having the same conversation over and over in my head. the conversation i plan on having with the guy the next time we meet. i just wanna open up to him. let him in. tell him the secrets. show him why i am the way i am. let him get to know the real me. the me most people don't know. i like him. he makes me feel. he makes me insecure. and somewhere in me he makes sense. most guys don't make me feel this way. i've never been this insecure about a guy before, an maybe this is why i like him.

but there's still that rogue thought caressing the back of my fifth vertebra. the thought that i should just find the guy who's safe for me. it wouldn't be hard. i already know him. i'm sure we would work.it only makes sense. he's the safe choice. i wouldn't have anything to worry about. if i could just convince him then my life would be made. but that would be too easy. it would be safe. and no matter how much i hate feeling insecure. it reminds me that i'm human.

that i'm still alive.