i have no clue where i'm at mentally right now. i know where i need to be, but from time to time i catch myself slipping. school is, well its school. i could care less about the classes. i'm more confused than ever what i actually want to major in, and the people are a mixed bunch.
i love the people i've met and i actually feel like they care for me and my well being. i trust them, which is hard for me to do, but i don't think i would ever tell them i'm gay. theres only four people that i would really put everything on the line for, and i feel they would lose a leg for me too. i'm sure one day i'll have the conversation with them, but at this point i don't know when or how.
i also feel i've been angry a lot lately. i feel bad for anyone who runs into me on the bus, because i kno i can be intimidating at times. its the face. when im in a bad mood it shows. and then i curse a lot. and i can't help it. i'm in a mood and for better or worse thats just where i am at that moment. if you don't like it, then deal with it.
i really miss having someone i can talk to. having someone i can just call up when im having a bad day and just vent. someone i can talk to about all the insecurities and issues i'm dealing with regarding guys and relationships. because if theres one thing i fail at in life its being in any kind of commited relationship. which is why i'm so mentally disturbed at times. its just confusing. i have no clue what we're doing. we're both busy as fuck, that its hard to make time to see each other. and i feel like i'm giving 110 percent and he's not trying. but then we talk and i can hear how tired he is, and how frustrated he is and i can understand why he hasn't called or sent that text or why he just wants to be alone.
and it helps. but every now and again there's a disconnect. and i get insecure. and i hate that. i'm not an insecure guy. i'm past that phase. i left that shit in georgia. i'm the cockiest nigger you'll ever meet. at least in my head i am. so when some guy has me feeling insecure it scares me. i don't like it. somebody told me that being insecure, feeling scared, all these negative emotions means i'm finally LIVING. but i disagree.
i know what LIVING feels like. i've had those moments. and LIVING doesn't have negative shit in it. LIVING is in the moment. everything is how you want it. yes bad shit happens, but it doesn't get you down because its not important. you have bigger things to focus on. thats what i'm chasing right now. i'm chasing that feeling. i'm chasing that moment.
and i'm just running.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
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yo J. sorry i died on you yesterday but i've had time to think bout what you said and could maybe still add sthg of substance :P
ReplyDelete*msn convo interlude*
maybe what you're chasing (i.e. the feeling of LIVING)isn't exactly how you imagine it to be. maybe that's why you're still chasing it, because you won't recognise it even when you've caught onto it. no matter what, life's gonna have negative shit in it and that makes it a part of LIVING. in many ways it's how you deal with it that makes all the difference.
LIVING probably means taking risks and they don't call it risks for no reason. as jason mraz would sing, you win some, you learnnnnn some ;) and J...you're learnin and you're winnin :P
p.s. i still like that repetition of "i'm chasing that feeling"
pps. it sounds like you're a druggie tryin to chase that first-high
instead of chasing it, why not just slow down? And take everything in for a while?
ReplyDeletei guess because for me i feel like im going slow. by now either the relationship with the guy would be ovcer or we'd be fucking like rabbits telling each other how much we love one another, which is the difference between teh guy and everyone else i've been involved with. with him i know i like him, but i also know i'm not in love yet. i could be in love with him one day, but right now i'm not. and for me thats a big deal. that i know the difference this time.
ReplyDeleteYour heart is in your penis.
ReplyDeletemy heart is not in my penis. cause we're not having sex.
ReplyDelete