Wednesday, March 31, 2010
day 36
the guy texted me today after almost two weeks of no communication. this pretty much ruined my life for about ten minutes. he apologized and all the emotions and feelings i thought i had got rid of came rushing back. don't expect anything to come of this. but if he wants to make an effort at some kind of reconciliation, then i have to give it another try? its my first step towards a stable and happy relationship, something i've never been a fan of.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
day 34
guess i should tell you guys me and the guy are no more. nothing really happened, but whatever we were doing. we're not doing anymore. also i'm pretty sure my best freiend doesnt like me anymore which is okay. sometimes you need to hear something you don't wanna hear. also i'm not sure why i'm attracted to mexican virgins, but i am. and have been occupying the last two days with one. i also met this columbian kid. he's cool too. but yeah. not sure if i'll continue with this blog, but i'm not deleting it. in my head im just gonna start anew again, but not tell anyone the link. and if its meant to be, you'll find me again. but yeah.
life is good.
life is good.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
day 21
another blog. another unedited post. life is too complicated to be edited down.
i have this pain in my stomach. not really a pain, but an emotion. in my gut, that comes and goes depending on my mood. the last few nights i always end up thinking about the same thing. mostly the guy. he made a comment the other night about me being quiet. and its true. we were laying in his bed holding each other and i told him. i know i'm quiet. its just, who i am. i hold things in. i don't say a lot. but its not because i'm uncomfortable, because i am. its just, i don't let people in. and then he asked me what it is i'm going to do about it. and i didn't say a thing. i let the silence speak for me.
it was in that moment where i felt he he wanted me to leave. that whatever it is we're doing or not doing it was officially over. because of all the baggage i bring with me. but i was wrong. he proves me wrong each and everytime. he waited a while, then he pulled me closer and we kissed. and i got my second sleepover.
that emotion in my gut is my insecurity. most people have voices in there head, but not me. mine is too crowded with rogue screaming. images being burned into my corneas. and thoughts and ideas of what i should draw, write, or capture. when i'm mad my lips quiver. when i'm feeling sick or weak my wrists hurt and i pop them continuously. when i'm being paranoid i get a ringing in my ear, and when i'm insecure about anything i get a pain in my chest and my breathing quickens, until it subsides into that emotion in my gut. and thats where i'm at now.
for the past few nights i've been having the same conversation over and over in my head. the conversation i plan on having with the guy the next time we meet. i just wanna open up to him. let him in. tell him the secrets. show him why i am the way i am. let him get to know the real me. the me most people don't know. i like him. he makes me feel. he makes me insecure. and somewhere in me he makes sense. most guys don't make me feel this way. i've never been this insecure about a guy before, an maybe this is why i like him.
but there's still that rogue thought caressing the back of my fifth vertebra. the thought that i should just find the guy who's safe for me. it wouldn't be hard. i already know him. i'm sure we would work.it only makes sense. he's the safe choice. i wouldn't have anything to worry about. if i could just convince him then my life would be made. but that would be too easy. it would be safe. and no matter how much i hate feeling insecure. it reminds me that i'm human.
that i'm still alive.
i have this pain in my stomach. not really a pain, but an emotion. in my gut, that comes and goes depending on my mood. the last few nights i always end up thinking about the same thing. mostly the guy. he made a comment the other night about me being quiet. and its true. we were laying in his bed holding each other and i told him. i know i'm quiet. its just, who i am. i hold things in. i don't say a lot. but its not because i'm uncomfortable, because i am. its just, i don't let people in. and then he asked me what it is i'm going to do about it. and i didn't say a thing. i let the silence speak for me.
it was in that moment where i felt he he wanted me to leave. that whatever it is we're doing or not doing it was officially over. because of all the baggage i bring with me. but i was wrong. he proves me wrong each and everytime. he waited a while, then he pulled me closer and we kissed. and i got my second sleepover.
that emotion in my gut is my insecurity. most people have voices in there head, but not me. mine is too crowded with rogue screaming. images being burned into my corneas. and thoughts and ideas of what i should draw, write, or capture. when i'm mad my lips quiver. when i'm feeling sick or weak my wrists hurt and i pop them continuously. when i'm being paranoid i get a ringing in my ear, and when i'm insecure about anything i get a pain in my chest and my breathing quickens, until it subsides into that emotion in my gut. and thats where i'm at now.
for the past few nights i've been having the same conversation over and over in my head. the conversation i plan on having with the guy the next time we meet. i just wanna open up to him. let him in. tell him the secrets. show him why i am the way i am. let him get to know the real me. the me most people don't know. i like him. he makes me feel. he makes me insecure. and somewhere in me he makes sense. most guys don't make me feel this way. i've never been this insecure about a guy before, an maybe this is why i like him.
but there's still that rogue thought caressing the back of my fifth vertebra. the thought that i should just find the guy who's safe for me. it wouldn't be hard. i already know him. i'm sure we would work.it only makes sense. he's the safe choice. i wouldn't have anything to worry about. if i could just convince him then my life would be made. but that would be too easy. it would be safe. and no matter how much i hate feeling insecure. it reminds me that i'm human.
that i'm still alive.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
i take pictures too
not only can i draw. but i take pictures too. who wouldn't want to wife me up. lets be honest here. i'm pretty epic, and you all should bow to my greatness. but seriously, one of the reasons why yesterday was a really good day is because i picked up a camera. a real camera. not one of those kodak quick pic cameras that fits into your pocket, but a real one. one of those big, bulky dslrs and started taking pictures. and it was fun. and confusing as hell. cause now not only do i not know what i want to major in, but now i have to add a new one to the list. but yeah, here are some pics i took yesterday. i'm trying to edit them at the moment, so these are just the puictures without any kind of adjustments i see fit.i really enjoy taking pictures of signs tho.
shit equals out
its the universe. and shit equals out.
Monday, March 8, 2010
life just got a lot more complicated
two weeks ago i met the guy. we got high. i made a fool of myself. i thought things were over. six months ago i met jeff. we hooked up. he helped me find a place to live. and we've been cool since.
i like the guy. i can see myself being in a relationship with the guy. i don't particularly know where we stand, but i'm working on it. i haven't seen jeff in three weeks. i wrote off whatever we had as just sex. were there feelings? at one point there were. but things happen. and i kept moving. today. just an hour ago. jeff propsed to me.
out of no where. i ask one simple question. "have you ever had a boyfriend before" and he runs off subject and asks me tons of questions. "do you wanna be my boyfriend?" no, i say. "do you wanna go steady?" i dont know, i say. "so you're my boyfriend now. and we're about to make love." is that what i am now? and we're not having sew, i say. "you're absolutely correct. we're about to make love, we're not having sex." are we, i ask. "yeah, you're gonna be my domestic partner." is that what i am now, i ask. "yeah, i'll take you to zales and get you a ring if you want" i don't think we can get married in cali, i say. "well lets go back to georgia" we REALLY can't get married there, i say. "don't worry about it, we'll figure it out."
life just got a lot more complicated.
how do you deal with a random, out of the blue, proposal of marriage. we've never been on a date. we've never said the L word. i just learned his whole name today. at one point, i did have feelings for jeff. if we would've had this conversation a month ago, i would be cool with everything. maybe not the marriage thing, because i don't even believe in marriage. but being boyfriends, going steady i would have. but we didn't, we never have. i assumed he was in this just for the random sex whoich never really happens. but this i never saw coming. this i don't want to deal with.
fight or flight. FIGHT or FLIGHT.
so i did the one thing i felt was right. i told him about the guy.i regret telling him about the guy, but i did. and he got upset. he got jealous. he told me he could forgive me for stepping out on our relationship this one time, but it should never happen again. he asks me why i like the guy. and i give him basic reasons. we kiss. something me and jeff have only done once. tonight at that. he's versatile. something jeff is not. he's a total top. never even tried to bottom. i've known the guy for two weeks and i know his whole name. i just learned yours tonight. none of this helped. he only got more upset and told me how much he cared about me, and i should choose him over the guy because he's known me longer.
and now i'm suppose to call the guy up and break off whatever it is we have going on, while jeff is on the phone. which is something i can't do. something i'm not going to do, because i like the guy. more than i like jeff. i don't want to hurt jeff, but i feel like i might have to. jeff is a catch. he is, but the last two times i've seen him two red flags occurred. three weeks ago he told me to give him a key to my place and the gate. that was red flag number one. why does he need a key to my place, he pays no bills. we're in no relationship. red flag came tonight when he told me to call up the guy, then and there and break it off with him. its 12 o'clock. i'm not calling anyone let alone the guy. controlling much? very much so.
i've grown a lot since moving to cali. i've learned a lot about myself. three months ago i would have done everything jeff asked, or said. i was looking for that kind of relationship. i was looking for an older guy to for better or worse submit to. someone to tell me what to do. show me things. teach me. because i have daddy issues and i was molested as a kid. and my father was never there. and my entire life i've been looking for someone to replace him. but i'm not that same kid anymore. and my moms taught me a lot. and i learned a lot from watching the relationships she's been in. and i know now, jeff days in my life are numbered. i hope we can still be friends, but that may not be possible.
two months ago i wouldn't be able to work this all out in my head by myself. but i can now. i know what needs to be done. it won't be fun, but i can do it. maybe the title is wrong. maybe i just simplified my life.
i like the guy. i can see myself being in a relationship with the guy. i don't particularly know where we stand, but i'm working on it. i haven't seen jeff in three weeks. i wrote off whatever we had as just sex. were there feelings? at one point there were. but things happen. and i kept moving. today. just an hour ago. jeff propsed to me.
out of no where. i ask one simple question. "have you ever had a boyfriend before" and he runs off subject and asks me tons of questions. "do you wanna be my boyfriend?" no, i say. "do you wanna go steady?" i dont know, i say. "so you're my boyfriend now. and we're about to make love." is that what i am now? and we're not having sew, i say. "you're absolutely correct. we're about to make love, we're not having sex." are we, i ask. "yeah, you're gonna be my domestic partner." is that what i am now, i ask. "yeah, i'll take you to zales and get you a ring if you want" i don't think we can get married in cali, i say. "well lets go back to georgia" we REALLY can't get married there, i say. "don't worry about it, we'll figure it out."
life just got a lot more complicated.
how do you deal with a random, out of the blue, proposal of marriage. we've never been on a date. we've never said the L word. i just learned his whole name today. at one point, i did have feelings for jeff. if we would've had this conversation a month ago, i would be cool with everything. maybe not the marriage thing, because i don't even believe in marriage. but being boyfriends, going steady i would have. but we didn't, we never have. i assumed he was in this just for the random sex whoich never really happens. but this i never saw coming. this i don't want to deal with.
fight or flight. FIGHT or FLIGHT.
so i did the one thing i felt was right. i told him about the guy.i regret telling him about the guy, but i did. and he got upset. he got jealous. he told me he could forgive me for stepping out on our relationship this one time, but it should never happen again. he asks me why i like the guy. and i give him basic reasons. we kiss. something me and jeff have only done once. tonight at that. he's versatile. something jeff is not. he's a total top. never even tried to bottom. i've known the guy for two weeks and i know his whole name. i just learned yours tonight. none of this helped. he only got more upset and told me how much he cared about me, and i should choose him over the guy because he's known me longer.
and now i'm suppose to call the guy up and break off whatever it is we have going on, while jeff is on the phone. which is something i can't do. something i'm not going to do, because i like the guy. more than i like jeff. i don't want to hurt jeff, but i feel like i might have to. jeff is a catch. he is, but the last two times i've seen him two red flags occurred. three weeks ago he told me to give him a key to my place and the gate. that was red flag number one. why does he need a key to my place, he pays no bills. we're in no relationship. red flag came tonight when he told me to call up the guy, then and there and break it off with him. its 12 o'clock. i'm not calling anyone let alone the guy. controlling much? very much so.
i've grown a lot since moving to cali. i've learned a lot about myself. three months ago i would have done everything jeff asked, or said. i was looking for that kind of relationship. i was looking for an older guy to for better or worse submit to. someone to tell me what to do. show me things. teach me. because i have daddy issues and i was molested as a kid. and my father was never there. and my entire life i've been looking for someone to replace him. but i'm not that same kid anymore. and my moms taught me a lot. and i learned a lot from watching the relationships she's been in. and i know now, jeff days in my life are numbered. i hope we can still be friends, but that may not be possible.
two months ago i wouldn't be able to work this all out in my head by myself. but i can now. i know what needs to be done. it won't be fun, but i can do it. maybe the title is wrong. maybe i just simplified my life.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
mindfucked
i have no clue where i'm at mentally right now. i know where i need to be, but from time to time i catch myself slipping. school is, well its school. i could care less about the classes. i'm more confused than ever what i actually want to major in, and the people are a mixed bunch.
i love the people i've met and i actually feel like they care for me and my well being. i trust them, which is hard for me to do, but i don't think i would ever tell them i'm gay. theres only four people that i would really put everything on the line for, and i feel they would lose a leg for me too. i'm sure one day i'll have the conversation with them, but at this point i don't know when or how.
i also feel i've been angry a lot lately. i feel bad for anyone who runs into me on the bus, because i kno i can be intimidating at times. its the face. when im in a bad mood it shows. and then i curse a lot. and i can't help it. i'm in a mood and for better or worse thats just where i am at that moment. if you don't like it, then deal with it.
i really miss having someone i can talk to. having someone i can just call up when im having a bad day and just vent. someone i can talk to about all the insecurities and issues i'm dealing with regarding guys and relationships. because if theres one thing i fail at in life its being in any kind of commited relationship. which is why i'm so mentally disturbed at times. its just confusing. i have no clue what we're doing. we're both busy as fuck, that its hard to make time to see each other. and i feel like i'm giving 110 percent and he's not trying. but then we talk and i can hear how tired he is, and how frustrated he is and i can understand why he hasn't called or sent that text or why he just wants to be alone.
and it helps. but every now and again there's a disconnect. and i get insecure. and i hate that. i'm not an insecure guy. i'm past that phase. i left that shit in georgia. i'm the cockiest nigger you'll ever meet. at least in my head i am. so when some guy has me feeling insecure it scares me. i don't like it. somebody told me that being insecure, feeling scared, all these negative emotions means i'm finally LIVING. but i disagree.
i know what LIVING feels like. i've had those moments. and LIVING doesn't have negative shit in it. LIVING is in the moment. everything is how you want it. yes bad shit happens, but it doesn't get you down because its not important. you have bigger things to focus on. thats what i'm chasing right now. i'm chasing that feeling. i'm chasing that moment.
and i'm just running.
i love the people i've met and i actually feel like they care for me and my well being. i trust them, which is hard for me to do, but i don't think i would ever tell them i'm gay. theres only four people that i would really put everything on the line for, and i feel they would lose a leg for me too. i'm sure one day i'll have the conversation with them, but at this point i don't know when or how.
i also feel i've been angry a lot lately. i feel bad for anyone who runs into me on the bus, because i kno i can be intimidating at times. its the face. when im in a bad mood it shows. and then i curse a lot. and i can't help it. i'm in a mood and for better or worse thats just where i am at that moment. if you don't like it, then deal with it.
i really miss having someone i can talk to. having someone i can just call up when im having a bad day and just vent. someone i can talk to about all the insecurities and issues i'm dealing with regarding guys and relationships. because if theres one thing i fail at in life its being in any kind of commited relationship. which is why i'm so mentally disturbed at times. its just confusing. i have no clue what we're doing. we're both busy as fuck, that its hard to make time to see each other. and i feel like i'm giving 110 percent and he's not trying. but then we talk and i can hear how tired he is, and how frustrated he is and i can understand why he hasn't called or sent that text or why he just wants to be alone.
and it helps. but every now and again there's a disconnect. and i get insecure. and i hate that. i'm not an insecure guy. i'm past that phase. i left that shit in georgia. i'm the cockiest nigger you'll ever meet. at least in my head i am. so when some guy has me feeling insecure it scares me. i don't like it. somebody told me that being insecure, feeling scared, all these negative emotions means i'm finally LIVING. but i disagree.
i know what LIVING feels like. i've had those moments. and LIVING doesn't have negative shit in it. LIVING is in the moment. everything is how you want it. yes bad shit happens, but it doesn't get you down because its not important. you have bigger things to focus on. thats what i'm chasing right now. i'm chasing that feeling. i'm chasing that moment.
and i'm just running.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
day 10
wednesday, march 3, 2010
maybe this is why i don't get into relationships. maybe i consciously avoid them to avoid that emotional attachment. to avoid that sense of silence. to avoid the moment where you both realize you have nothing more to talk about.
maybe this is why i was always the guy to fuck. and then go. i would fuck. bust a nut. and leave. i do my part. you do yours. and we both leave. satisfied. and a little empty. but in that moment we're both satisfied. and a little high. and neither one of us will worry about the other. how he's feeling. if he enjoyed it as much as i did. if he likes me. because it was only sex. not a relationship. just a momentary fix.
so what is it about this guy that has me so invested. so enthralled. that just being in his presence makes my day that much better. why is this guy different from the rest. and do i still want to take the time to find out if maybe. just maybe. this guy. and me. could be something special.
maybe this is why i don't get into relationships. maybe i consciously avoid them to avoid that emotional attachment. to avoid that sense of silence. to avoid the moment where you both realize you have nothing more to talk about.
maybe this is why i was always the guy to fuck. and then go. i would fuck. bust a nut. and leave. i do my part. you do yours. and we both leave. satisfied. and a little empty. but in that moment we're both satisfied. and a little high. and neither one of us will worry about the other. how he's feeling. if he enjoyed it as much as i did. if he likes me. because it was only sex. not a relationship. just a momentary fix.
so what is it about this guy that has me so invested. so enthralled. that just being in his presence makes my day that much better. why is this guy different from the rest. and do i still want to take the time to find out if maybe. just maybe. this guy. and me. could be something special.
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