day 4

thursday, february 25, 2010

i stare at him for a moment, just long enough to see him blink. then i reach out to touch him just to make sure he's real. my mind has been playing tricks on me lately. and with my luck, he's bound to disappear the moment i grab his hand, but he doesn't. he grabs back, his eyes meet mine, and he says:

"whats wrong"'

and without thinking, without taking a moment to evaluate the correct response. without pausing i say the dumbest thing i can think of. i say the three words i've been afraid to say in a long time.

i.

like.

you.

"is that such a bad thing?" he responds. "bad thing no, but you're bad news for me," i say before grabbing his hands. "you're the kinda guy to make a nigga come out the closet." "you're silly" he says and smiles with a smile that could melt the coldest ice cream, and the hardest snickers bar. but its a smile nonetheless and within in that smile is everything i needed to make my night complete. but i welcome the bonus prize, when his lips move towards mine and sattles them with what feels like a nuclear attack that lasts until he finally pulls away and flashes that winning smile again.

"its funny" i say, "i'm the one in the closet, but youre the one who wouldn't kiss me on the fire-escape."

earlier in the night we made our way out to the fire escape on the south side of the building. after a long night of "domesticating j" with lessons on dishes, sweeping floors, and organizing closets we accumulated what appeared to be trash. so we did what any los angeleno would do. found the nearest fire-escape and prayed the trash would make it into the dumpster four stories below.

i've been afraid of heights since the age of five, yet flying fills me with a sense of serenity i can never explain. just another complication of being j. so when i reach the end of the hallway and see the outside world staring at me i freeze. he grabs my hands, leads me onto the fire escape, and whispers "you're out here now. calm down. you're safe" i take in the view and i'm filled with the urge to grab him by the head and kiss him then and there. but he pulls back. "i don't mind if the neighbors hear us, but i don't want them watching us doing our thing" he tells me, and leads me back to his apartment.

"mhmm, whatever. next time i reach over to kiss you, while i'm conquering my fears, don't pull away from me. its rude" i say.

"whatever you say j"

i like this guy.

first impressions

i use to be serious about this blogging thing, now its the last thing on my mind. just a few weeks ago everything was going great. all was well in my life, now its like one bad thing after the other. i met a guy a few weeks ago. his name was rob. he had a lot going for him. we connected instantly. the feeling was indescribable. fast forward to last saturday and he tells me he's moving to thailand to teach english. i'm happy for him, but i can't help but wonder what we would have been.

school is total confusion for me right now. everything was in order for a while and now i wonder why i even bother. i really just need a week off to do nothing. just to figure things out. sketch out all the madness in my head. paint the colors i dream. i just need a week to remember why i'm pursuing this. not another week of painting color wheels. creating abstract compositions in illustrator. or kerning letters by hands. i just need a week to do what i want to do, not what i have to do.

but i guess theres a bright light at the end of the tunnel. i met another guy last night. i walked to his place just to kick it. wasn't expecting anything to come of it. we talked for a bit. then we started smoking. i quit smoking sometime after i moved to cali and last night reminded me why. i get high and i can't control my urges. i get agitated and can't stay still. i get paranoid and don't want anyone to touch me. and then i get verbal vomit and say whatever i'm thinking even though i know i shouldn't.

and this is what happened to me last night. i ended up telling the guy i was feeling him, and then the next moment i'm removing his arm from around my neck, and then i'm trying my best to make-out with him without losing my gum while my mouth is dry. i was way too fucked up and in my mind i blew my first impression, so i repeatedly apologised because as i told him. i like him.

he's the first guy i've met, thats my age, and has his shit together. i mean really has everything together. he has his own place. his own car. and he has a real job. he manages properties and he has ambition to do bigger things. and the fact that i got soo fucked up last night and he didn't kick me out, but he actually took care of me just made me like him more. but in my mind, me and him would never see each other again. but even after all of that he texted me that he had a really good time with me and wants to do it again. so maybe, just maybe i've found a guy that can deal with my bullshit, but see that when it all falls down, i just keep going.

that unnecessary trepidation

life has been a little crazy the last few days. done a lot of things ive never done before. was a little stressed last night so i called up a friend and a got a massage. naked j, with straight friend wasn't as awkward as you'd think. i also did something i've always wanted to do, but have always been afraid of. i had my cards read. my friend who is a part time massage therapist also does tarot card readings. he said i had good energy, so i figured why not give this a shot.

the card reading was really interesting. i never really believed in this stuff, but it was surprisingly pretty accurate, but when he was flipping card over i was nervous because most of them seemed negative, especially the devil card. i was pretty sure he was gonna tell me i would die in 3 months, because i've always felt i would die at a young age for whatever reasons. but the devil card meant something completely different. it actually made me feel a lot better about everything thats goin on right now.

i also went to a party a few people from school were throwin and got shitfaced for the first time in some months. me and alcohol aren't the best of friends. so when i end up getting in some random argument and punching hawaiian jack in the face i remembered why i don't drink. i felt bad about the whole thing, but it felt strangely therapeutic. which didn't last too long because i ended up drunk texting x about the whole situation, but ended up sending half of my contacts the text instead, which lead to a phone call from the moms wondering why i'm punching random kids when she sent me out here for school. and of course i ansewered the phone, because i was drunk and stupid, so that didn't make the situation any better.

but yeah. unnecessary trepidation. and i plan on editing this because it sucks ass.  ut that was my saturday night.

im twenty

its time for new beginnings. its time to get serious. get shit done. i want it all. i'm gonna get at least 90 percent of it. anything less is failure.

even angels

j is an artist

"i just wanted to tell you i'm so proud of you," she said to me as she pulled me aside from the rest of our classmates. "i was sitting at home and i thought to myself, i'm so proud of you. you did something a lot of people wouldn't. you left your hometown and you followed your dream. not a lot of people would have done that, how many of your friends did that?" 

"none," i said, "none at all."

"and thats why i'm proud of you."

j is sleazy

"so how are you and danny doing?" he asked. "are you guys an item now?"

"no," i replied. "we're just having sex. he kinda reminds me of my ex though...but yeah, we're just friends."

"no substance j. just icing on the cake."

"you're right. no substance, just icing. you can't have your cake and eat it too, so i might as well just eat the icing. i'm content with that right now. too busy to worry about anything deeper. i'm not looking for love, just a friend. someone to walk beside me. you can understand that?"

"No, i don't understand that at all. I walk with people. I don't walk and fuck people. Its sleazy, but then again it is a part of your character.

j is drama

"so you won fifty bucks on the superbowl, can i have it?" i asked him hoping he'd say yes, but knowing the outcome wouldn't favor me. "my birthday is in a week. you owe me a present."

"i owe you shit," he slammed back. "DRAMA RAMA."

j is j

i looked at myself in the mirror and i didn't recognize the face that was staring back at me. maybe its the glasses that no longer appear in my face. or maybe its the weight i lost. the one thing that i'm certain of, is the face in the mirror isn't the same face that was there the last time i took the time to stare.it had changed, and for a moment...i was lost.

i have my insecurities. i have my flaws. i have my strengths. i say "yeah" a lot. i doubt myself too much. i expect too much form the world, but the one thing i'm certain of is who i am. i'm motherfuckin j and i know what i want from life. i know where i want to be, what i want to do, and the things i want to accomplish. and i'm gonna do all of them.

i'm on the verge of adulthood and i've never been out of the country. i want to travel. discover new things. i want to draw. i want to write. i want to breathe every moment in. ever moment of being an artist. every sleazy moment and every drama filled second. i want it all. and i promised myself that i'm going to do it all. and i will.

say, all i need

i doubt myself. i doubt myself entirely too much, and i have all the potential in the world, but it will never come into fruition if i continually doubt myself. "positive thoughts," the korean girl, with the short brown hair screams at me. positive thoughts, but its hard to think these thoughts with all the things currently rampaging through my head. the scent of burning flesh. hazy images of trampolines. and dark rooms with luminous lights flowing from beneath the door. positive thoughts are on the backburner-making it through the day is my only focus.

my biggest problem is my belief that i'm a product of my environment. that no matter how far away i run i'll always be that little boy afraid of the dark. that i'll always be afraid of heights. and i'll never be able to consume chocolate like the normal kids.

"you're in LA, nobody cares if you're black," she says.

but thats just it. my body is here, but my mind is still back home. i'm so use to the only thing people caring about is the fact that my skin is the opposite color of theirs, i can't comprehend what happens when that's not a factor anymore. everywhere i look is a constant reminder of all the things i ran from.

"is everything okay?" she asks, after i skip class for the third time in a week. and i answer her with a lie. and she accepts it, without question. she's a real friend and she deserves better, but its all i can give her, because the truth would mean i have to lend her some TRUST, and i'm all out of trust. so many things are running through my head that i don't even trust my own thoughts. flashes of my past continuously disrupt my day. memories i thought were lost forever are emerging. and everything is not okay.

"is everything okay JP?"

"yea, everythings fine," i say and then flash a smile, but a part of her doesn't believe it.

"you sure?"

"i'm fuckin J. trust me. i'm good."