Thursday, June 17, 2010
damn i wish i could show some kind of emotion. give me something. i just feel so fuckin numb to everything. i need a connection. i need some human interaction. i need somethin to help me feel alive again. give me somethin. whatever this is thats goin on right now needs to come to an abrupt stop before i end it myself. people are just so fucking stupid sometimes i'm just so fuckin dumb and naive. i'm a fuckin idiot tool. just use me. thats the only time i feel anything. the only time i feel human. the only time i'm not numb to my surrounding. why is it that i only want what i cant have and when something wants me then i don't want it. why can't i force myself to want it back. why is that i constantly feel like i have to prove myself. why is it that i feel like fuckin cassie in an episode of skins when i should really be a sid or a jal. why is it that im fuckin doing this. this shit is so fucking confusing. i'm tired of people telling me how impressed and proud and how they can't believe i did what i did and i'm living how i want to live. i'm tired of feeling fuckin isolated even when i'm not alone. what is this gay shit. why can't i just pick a gender an stick with it. are my emotions even real. if i truly feel the way i say i do about this girl, then why am i still chasing after a guy. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckukahjszgvbcukajsZFCVBu kjds,mgzv fuck this shit. where the hell are u jay. i can't deal and i need a fuckin nap and a bisquit.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
mistake one
sitting at the airport, stuck because of my stupidity i had a lot of time to think about the mistakes i made. i had a lot of time to wonder why that guy from jersey shore is shorter in person, and why his hair looks more real on tv than in person. i had a lot of time to sit and ponder all the shitty mistakes i made after i hopped on my first plane to cali back in august. and mistake number one would have to be guy thirty-six.
i should have never gotten involved with guy 36, but i did anyway. i never had that father figure growing up, and i guess thats why i clung to him at first. guy 36 was a thirty something year old man i met my first day in los angeles. he has some random job here selling cars, selling drugs, selling used vacuum cleaners. i don't know exactly, but it seems to change everytime i ask. he's married, or he was married, and he has two daughters. i should have never gotten involved with guy 36, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.
he showed me around los angeles. introduced me to a few people. and helped me fine a place to live. the sex wasn;t that great, but he was a good guy. and a good guy is always better than great sex. i fell for him. he was my guy. but i never told him how i felt, and we eventually lost touch. fast forward to 2010 and we're back in each others lives.
the only problem was i didn't need that father figure anymore. los angeles turned me into a man. i had found my way, and i wasn't losing it to find myself in someone else. and guy 36 didn't like this. he made it known to me that he didn't like the guy i was becoming. he missed the guy i was. he missed that subservient boy that he first met. but i couldn't be this guy for him, and when he saw that he was losing me he did the unthinkable and asked me to marry him.
it wasn't romantic. wasn't thought out. it was a spur of the moment decision. we were laying in bed, arguing about him being clingy and thats when he said it. i laughed. i'm all for being domesticated, but guy 36 will not be the lucky person to domesticate me.
i guess the whole point of this is i never understood how you could say you love someone, but not be there for them when they really need you. like lets say i stupidly think my plane is getting into los angeles at eight but it actually gets in at eleven and i need a ride home, because my bus stops running at eleven. and thats why guy 36 is mistake number one.
lesson learned.
i should have never gotten involved with guy 36, but i did anyway. i never had that father figure growing up, and i guess thats why i clung to him at first. guy 36 was a thirty something year old man i met my first day in los angeles. he has some random job here selling cars, selling drugs, selling used vacuum cleaners. i don't know exactly, but it seems to change everytime i ask. he's married, or he was married, and he has two daughters. i should have never gotten involved with guy 36, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.
he showed me around los angeles. introduced me to a few people. and helped me fine a place to live. the sex wasn;t that great, but he was a good guy. and a good guy is always better than great sex. i fell for him. he was my guy. but i never told him how i felt, and we eventually lost touch. fast forward to 2010 and we're back in each others lives.
the only problem was i didn't need that father figure anymore. los angeles turned me into a man. i had found my way, and i wasn't losing it to find myself in someone else. and guy 36 didn't like this. he made it known to me that he didn't like the guy i was becoming. he missed the guy i was. he missed that subservient boy that he first met. but i couldn't be this guy for him, and when he saw that he was losing me he did the unthinkable and asked me to marry him.
it wasn't romantic. wasn't thought out. it was a spur of the moment decision. we were laying in bed, arguing about him being clingy and thats when he said it. i laughed. i'm all for being domesticated, but guy 36 will not be the lucky person to domesticate me.
i guess the whole point of this is i never understood how you could say you love someone, but not be there for them when they really need you. like lets say i stupidly think my plane is getting into los angeles at eight but it actually gets in at eleven and i need a ride home, because my bus stops running at eleven. and thats why guy 36 is mistake number one.
lesson learned.
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