this is my religion

i was molested as a child. thats a fuckin fact. this did not happen behind closed doors. it happened out in the open. i can remember everything. i can see it with the most vivid details. i know when it happened, where it happened, how long it happened, how he looked, and what we did. but no one else knew about this. thats the thing that bothers me. thats the thing that keeps me up at night. thats the thing that makes me push people away. forget the fact that i was molested. how did no one know. how could i sit on this guys lap, suck his nipples, suck his dick, him touch me, him play with my ass, him kiss me and no one knew it. no one found out. no one stopped it. this didn't happen behind closed doors. this shit happened out in the open. i remember the yellow house. the yellow house with the three bedrooms. but i don't remember his. i can see his sisters. ive played in his sisters but ive never been in his room. this shit happened out in the open. in the living room on the floor. on the sofa. under the table. this shit fuckin happened on a fuckin trampoline every fucxkin day out in the fuckin open in the middle of the afternoon. how did no one see this. how did no one catch us. why was this never stopped. i dont get it. it doesnt make sense to me. its the one thing that doesnt make sense to me and it bothers the fuck out of me.

it ends as it always does. a scream. a punch. and a drop of blood. it never fails. and the cycle continues. but its over before it ever begins. same song. same story. same narrative voice. this is your life for the rest of the end. you accept it. you condemn it. it becomes your religion.

life lesson

one. if a person from your past says they miss you, evade that shit and start a new topic like a CHAMP.

two. just because you're breathing, doesn't mean you're alive

three. always come prepared, or fear the wrath of lightbody

four. move to cali

five. never, ever shave your beard completely off.

six. never let them see you sweat. never let them see you cry. never let them break you.

괴물

thought i wanted to do this. i don't know how anymore. school is out. semester two was more successful than the first. came back to georgia. seems i'll be attending a funeral in a few days. friend got shot. i probably wont go. death scares me. i went driving today. really peaceful. reminded me of the two month period i wanted to become a professional truck driver like my grandfather. seems like a great option. i'm always alm when im driving. i work out a lot of shit when im moving. its like therapy to me. maybe thats why i love riding the bus. that and the fact 97 percent of my sketching occurs on metro bus 33/333.

8 months later

applied to college. got accepted. broke the news to family. they cried. the dad took the car. the mom cried some more. i packed up my shit. bought a plane ticket. and flew to LAX. no house. no car. just a suitcase full of dreams. found a hotel. stayed there a few nights. met a guy. went to orientation. found a place to stay. and went to school.

i don't feel like finishing this, i'll do it later. and better. but yeah. eight months later. thank you LA for being so good to me.

so yeah

i'm not the dad. sucks tho.

you are the father, maybe

so basically life has been pretty smooth for me. me and the guy are talking again. school is winding down. and the friends are great. the only bubble is the fact that i may or may not have a kid. so basically the story is this. i've been messing around with this one girl named K, for about five or six years. she's my best friend and the first love of my life. i haven't spoken to her the last two or three weeks. everytime i called her she was always busy or was in and out of the hospital. yesterday she called and told me she had just had a baby. in my head it was a joke. so i kept asking her if she was being serious or p[laying a joke on the gullible black kid i am. she said she was serious, and sent me a picture.

the next question i asked was if she knew about the baby 9 months ago, or if this was one of those "OMG I DINDT KNOW I WAS PREGNANT UNTIL THE BABY POPPED OUT" kinds of situations they show on tv. apparently she always knew she was pregnant, but didn't tell me for several reasons. i think i was less shocked about the baby and more shocked about the fact that she could keep a secret like this from me of all people for nine months.

she says the kid is not mine, but he has my middle name. she doesn't want to get a blood test because she's a 100 percent certain that the kid isn't mine. but in my head there's no way she could be a hundred percent sure of anything because 9 months ago i was still at home and we were still fucking around. so i booked a flight home in 3 weeks after my school year is over to find out if i have a son, or if i don't. if the kid is mine then this california dram life is over and i'm going back home to be the greatest dad in the world.